What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 03:41
She married twice! .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was very sick at this time too.
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My life is so biszare .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
(And it was in our own minds.)
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were not on the streets..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
How do I become mentally strong?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was 9 years of age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why is Russia always right? All eyes toward Russian glory!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But ive been too sick for many years..
One cannot live in the past .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i do to all so called friends.?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She loved him until the end.
When do you feel most peaceful ever?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
What do people aim for when they meditate, and how do they do it properly?
Im still living with it.
Comes on , in middle age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it wasn’t much.
I said to her
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was seconnd youngest,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She found it foreign!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why did i forgive my father ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He knew the spot.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
This is soul school!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
When she asked me how she looked .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I waited trembling.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Ive learnt so much.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was scared of men, in general
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I never cut or harmed myself..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And i lived it daily.
My family never makes their pension either.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Would this be the day?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But, we were locked up after school.
She wouldn,t have been !
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Especially a lifetime of it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I have no regrets .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I write beautiful poetry .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We all went to grammer schools
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So whats the point in blame.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He resisted the act ,that day.
What did i know ?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It was going to be , some day.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
All the time i was locked up.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Put me off passion for life!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I will be 64.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So, i spoilt her more .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was in good health!
Who then, do I blame.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I don,t even have a pension.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.